Yeah, yeah, I know.

I'm really lame at this whole blog thing. It was so much easier when I was unemployed and had no friends. Maybe I should work on getting back to that point...

Anyway, I found one of the first blogs I wrote way back when in a file on my computer and it made me laugh. I think I only posted part of it, because the rest I sent to all my CELTA (teaching English as a foreign language) classmates. So I think, in the interest of being lazy, I'm just going to post the complete version. Think of it as a re-run of Seinfeld that never gets old, but without the commercials, celebrities, humor, and... well just think of it as something completely different than a Seinfeld re-run that probably gets old pretty quick.

I'll edit it a bit since I actually know a bit of Italian now. Here goes!

Ciao, everyone! Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. I’ve been pretty busy finding the right corner for my cardboard box. All this time I’ve been wondering around the city, and there’s a perfect place right near Termini on Via Merulana! It’s pretty nice. I got one of those extra, large boxes for refrigerators. Sometimes the other guys let me use their blankets for a night in trade for some hang-out time in my box. It’s great!

I make decent money pilfering from the tourists around Termini, so I’m hoping to move into a van down by the river soon. I don’t have an Italian girlfriend yet, but the girl that sleeps at the next sewer grate down from me is pretty hot. When she smiles, she has most of her teeth, so I dig that.

Other than that, not much going on. Drink, sleep… drink, drink, sleep. I’m trying to find some more time for drinking, but how do you fit it all into your schedule? Life throws us difficult choices sometimes. I’ve just had to buck it up and get less sleep, but I’ve found the extra drinking just makes me tired. Sigh…

So yeah, I’ve been teaching business English 1-to-1 to business managers and executives for Linguarama (which I like to call the “language circus,” which is what Linguarama sounds like to me). It’s actually a pretty fly job. One of my students is a high-powered banker that races sailboats in his spare time, and another is an HR manager. She works with most of the head-hunters in Italia, so she says she’s going to help me get my resume (or CV for you crazy Brits) out to applicable employers. Whoohoo!

I’m taking Italian lessons and harassing the people in the street with what I’ve learned so far. That keeps me fairly well entertained. I’ve met a lot of amazingly beautiful girls, but they’re all evil (not really… on both accounts). Actually, I’ve met a lot of really great people and I’m enjoying myself right now.

Anyway, it was good hearing from you… uh… two. I hope the rest of you get off your bums and write soon! Me, I’m just going to join the bums back in my cardboard box.

Much love,
Michael

PS
If you’re curious, here’s a little taste of how I spend my free time. (I apologize in advance Linda. I plead ignorance and swear am just amusing myself. I’m sure your husband does very important and fantastic things!)

So far I have identified five government entities (six if you count hospitals/ambulances) that drive what I would classify as emergency vehicles: those with flashing lights that make your heart jump when they pull in behind you while you’re driving. These are the Polizia, Polizia Municipale, Carabinieri, Guardi di Finanza, and the Vigili di Fuoco. There are also the Emergenzia Sanitaria (for after Two-for-One Tuesday’s Margarita Night at La Huerta?) and the Emergenza Infanzia (when you need an extra child to get the group discount?), but I’ve never seen either of these so they don’t count. I think it’s fairly obvious what the “Vigilant of the Fire” (Vigili del Fuoco) do (although I hope they do more than just watch the fire), so they don’t count either.

Nevertheless, you see the others out in force, doing… well I don’t really know. That’s the point of this rambling. I spend most of my time waiting at bus stops trying to figure out what these people do, and here’s what I’ve discovered so far:

Mystery #1: The Carabinieri: Psuedo-Solved
I had heard that these are the guys you call when something has gone awry and you need a detective – say your purse (or European man-bag) has been swiped, or some drunk bozo drove his motorino into your cardboard box, destroying some of your fake Gucci bags (okay, maybe you wouldn’t call them then, but you get the point).

The phonebook lists them as “pronto intervento,” or “quick intervention,” leading us to believe that these are the people you would turn to when yelling,
“HELP! That guy stole my man-bag!”
“Your purse?”
…pause…
“YES!!! He stole my purse!!!”

This, however, doesn’t really seem quite accurate. A while back, my friend Margaretta was walking to her apartment in Piazza del Popolo when two men drove up, yanked her purse through the car window, and sped off. She happened to be standing in front of two carabinieri when this happened, so she ran to them and frantically, in Italian, asked them to chase the two men who had stolen her purse. Instead of chasing the purse-snatchers, the carabinieri offered to take her to a café and buy her an espresso so she could relax and calm down.

Role of the Carabinieri: offer free emotional support and coffee when something bad has happened.

(Editor's note: after two years of watching these guys in action, I'm still pretty sure my first impression was accurate.)

Mystery #2: The Polizia Municipale: Psuedo-Solved
I don’t know about you, but I guessed that the municipal police would have something to do with local traffic laws. I always see them standing around street corners with ticket books, so at first I thought they gave tickets for jaywalking. I’ve since determined that there IS no such thing as jaywalking in Italy. People just walk out into the street at random. After seeing this in action, I began crossing the street at a diagonal in front of the polizia municipale every day. They never batted an eye, so I’m pretty sure that’s not what they do.

Fortunately, the other day I had to get up really early for work, and I got to see them in action. Two women were standing together at a street-corner in their municipale garb, and when the stoplight turned green, they both waved for the cars to go! Brilliant! Why in the world would you rely on a stoplight to tell you when to go when you can have the police watch the lights for you and tell you when they’re green!

Role of the Polizia Municipale: wave at drivers when the traffic lights turn green.

(Editor's note: after two years of watching these guys, I have to admit they DO do a bit more. For instance, they're the jerks that give you parking tickets for parking your car on the sidewalk. Where else are you supposed to park in this dang city?!? One point of curiosity, however. I've learned that it takes at least two people to write a parking ticket, and three are preferable.)

The Ongoing Search
Well, that’s all I’ve got so far. I plan to spend another six hours or so waiting for buses this week, so I’ll let you know if there are any other discoveries.

In case you’re curious, my hypotheses are as follows:

Polizia – These guys have always thought uniforms were pretty, and they really like having flashing lights on top of their car. Their specialty is giving directions to tourists, and sometimes shuffling around a predetermined meeting point.

(Editor's note: my opinion has not changed on this.)

Guardi di Finanza – I think this means “watchers of finance” or “you watch the finance,” which is my preferred translation. I have a feeling that their morning meetings go something like this:
Paolo: “You watch the finances today.”
Giovanni: “No YOU watch the finances. I watched them yesterday!”
Paolo: “Let’s go get coffee.”
Giovanni: “Let’s!”

(Editor's note: my opinion has not changed on this. I've never seen these guys do anything other than drive and eat. Maybe that's a good thing though considering my status!)

I’m sure these people have real jobs, but it’s amusing for me to think otherwise…

That's all folks. I've been putting off writing about Siena and the Palio for two months now, but I plan on getting to it in... the next two months.

Much love.
-Michael